The Lonesome Kicker

Lyrics

Me, I'm the Lonesome Kicker  
Extra points, field goals at your service  
One might think it comes with glory  
You might think different after you listen to my story  
  
My helmet is equipped with a tiny face mask  
What it possibly could protect, I do not know  
The other guys on the team  
Like to make fun of my little shoulder pads  
And also like to hide the special shoe  
I need to kick in the snow  
  
People think it's so easy  
To kick a field goal from the 30 yard line  
They forget to add seven yards for the snap  
And 10 more 'cause the goal posts are pushed way back  
  
In 1974, the uprights were right on the goal line  
But some of the players were running into them  
And getting hurt  
So screw the kicker  
Who cares about the kicker?  
  
But I kick that ball  
And I pray it goes straight  
If it does  
The coach says "Good job, number 8"  
He doesn't even know my name is  
Andre Kristacovitchlalinski, Jr.  
But that's the life I live  
The Lonesome Kicker  
  
Kickoffs can be so very scary  
Especially, if the returner breaks on through  
And I'm the only guy on the playing field left to tackle him  
I don't want to get hurt  
So I pretend to tie my shoe  
  
Once again, I'm ignored by my teammates and all my coaches  
"Go back where you came from!"  
Scream 70,000 fans  
Well, I know I could win their love back  
By catching a winning touch-down  
But, unfortunately, I was born with these very small hands  
  
And I hope that the cameras don't come in too close  
'Cause they might see the tears in my eyes  
As I sit on this bench made of cold-hearted wood  
And the splinters go deep in my thighs  
And the towel boy snickers as he walks by  
The Lonesome Kicker  
  
Another blocked kick  
And everybody blames me  
But it was the Left Guard  
Who didn't pick up his man  
Oh, why can't they see...  
  
In my home country  
I could have been a minor league soccer player  
But I came to America  
Seeking fortune and seeking fame  
I didn't realize that if I shanked one  
And blew the point spread  
Some drunk guys would push me into their hibachi  
After the game  
  
So I go home at night  
'Cause I never get invited  
To go drinking with the other guys  
And I sit in my chair, and I soak my foot  
As I eat a plate of cold french fries  
And my wife's out with her quote-unquote friend  
And my son can't look me in the eyes  
But that's the life I live  
The Lonesome Kicker  
  
Kicking for you  
They took my snow shoe  
They're going for two