Close But No Cigar

Lyrics

Jillian was her name  
She was sweeter than aspartame  
Her kisses reconfigured my DNA  
And after that I never was the same  
And I loved her even more  
Than Marlon Brando loved souffle  
She was gorgeous, she was charming  
Yeah, she was perfect in every way  
Except she was always using the word "infer"  
When she obviously meant "imply"  
And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing  
But frankly, I can't imagine why  
And I told her, I said  
"Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey?  
No, I don't think we are!  
You're close! (Close!)  
But no cigar!"  
Then I met sweet young Janet  
Prettiest thing on the planet  
Had a body hotter than a habanjero  
She had lips like a ripe pomegranate  
And I was crazy like Manson about her  
She got me all choked up like Mama Cass  
She had a smile so incredibly radiant  
You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass  
I thought after all these years of searching around  
I'd found my soulmate finally  
But one day I found OUT she actually owned a copy  
Of Joe Dirt on DVD  
Oh, no! I said  
"Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?  
No I don't think we are!  
You're close! (Close!)  
Oh, so very close! (Close!)  
Yeah, baby, you're close! (Close!)  
So close!  
But no cigar!"  
(Oh, yeah!)  
(Oh, no!)  
(Oh, yeah!)  
(Oh, no!)  
(Oh, yeah!)  
(Oh, no!)  
(ALL RIGHT!)  
[Hand claps, trumpet solo]  
Julie played water polo  
She wore a ribbon on her left manolo  
She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near  
My heart was beating like a Buddy Rich solo  
And she was everything I've dreamed of  
She moved right up to number one on my list  
And did I mention she's a world famous billionare  
Bikini supermodel astrophysicist  
Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron  
Look like a big fat slobbering pig  
The only caveat is one of her earlobes  
Was just a little tiny bit too big  
I said  
"Hey! Are we doing government work here?  
No I don't think we are!  
You're close! (Close!)  
So very, very close! (Close!)  
Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!)  
So close!  
But no cigar!"  
Missed it by that much! (No cigar!)  
Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!)  
Really, really, really close! (No cigar!)  
But no cigar!